You heard it here first! the DRUG SCANDAL inspired by competitive iOS gaming has spilled over into the ranks of our nations youth! From sea to shining sea, children of ALL ages are taking performance enhancing drugs, liquefied, in order to maintain their competitive edge.
“I think redbull tastes like crap, but Monster’s alright.” Jeremy, aged 13, current “piano tiles” champion of Canada
“I can see my house from here!” Jenny, aged 17, (the original) flappy bird record holder, high on redbull at time of comment.
On Wednesday night, a local man’s iPad was lent to a group of high-school students. Shortly after seven thirty in the evening, the students systematically exceeded EVERY high-score, ensuring the man would waste the next three days attempting to regain his title.
“I first suspected them of caffeine doping,” recalls Shauf, “they were moving faster than is humanly possible. Plus they kept drinking stupid amounts of energy drinks, so, that was a pretty obvious indicator.” While most of the students declined to comment on-record, general consensus amongst the youth group was that Shauf was too old to be truly involved at a competitive level. They also didn’t seem to think energy-drink doping is a big deal, saying that the fifteen cups-of-coffee Shauf consumes in a day is actually more damaging to one’s health in the long run.
GO GO MACH ROCKET SHEEP! 